No Big Changes Today

1/21/2020

I don't have anything big to report, no major changes, no big news to share... Just another day of waiting.

Mom has dropped a little more weight. She was 110.8 yesterday and today she is at 110.1. Her blood pressure is still a bit on the high side but not too bad considering her condition. It averages around 135/85. Her blood sugar has been pretty steady, around 160 or so when she wakes. Only the weight loss concerns me most but they tell me it's expected.

Sara was here for about 10 minutes, enough time for me to take a quick shower! I am so grateful for those little moments! She and Ethan were on their way to a follow up appointment and had just a few minutes to stop for a hug and kiss!

Aunt Jeannene asked me if I minded having her bring us over lunch again today! Her love language is gifts and service, so she puts her talents of cooking and baking to minister to so many people. We are always glad to be the recipients of her love offering! (She is spoiling my husband with all her desserts!)

Mom stayed awake for a short visit.

Broccoli/Cauliflower Cheese Soup,
Kale Salad and Pumpkin Dessert

It's going to be a quiet evening, I think. I am not aware of any more visitors today and we don't have anything special planned for this evening. I need to get my Stuffed Peppers put together and in the oven.  Then, unless something changes my plans, I think I will sit and read for pure pleasure tonight until I fall into bed! Mom woke me four times last night so I am dragging a bit today!

NOTE: *****If anyone local is planning to stop out tomorrow, please call me first. I need a couple of things from town or even just offer to sit with mom, for 20-30 minutes, so I can run into town for a quick trip! That would be most helpful! (She is almost out of the cough syrup that helps thin the buckets of mucus in her lungs.) Thanks!

Communion

1-20-2020

Mom woke me up at 4:30 this morning and wanted me to help her out to her chair. So I got her all settled into her chair and one of us was able to fall back to sleep! Guess which one? I think she is trying to get even for the nights she missed sleeping while walking the floors with me almost 65 years ago. Gotta love that little lady!

She ate a pretty decent lunch this noon time. It's funny how some days she eats hardly anything and then others she has a fairly hearty appetite! She is really so restless. Thankfully she sleeps a lot because when she is awake, she is up and down and up and down again! She yells "I want to get up!" so I rush over to stand her up but she doesn't have any idea where she wants to go!

Mom's friend, Mary Lynn stopped over today to pray for her and bring her communion. Mary Lynn reluctantly let me take her picture.  (Thank you for granting me permission to post it here.) It was a pleasant little visit. Mom continues to be blessed by so many!

The Hospice nurse is stopping over in a little while to check on mom. She is starting to have a new issue so they are kind enough to send someone to see what we need to do next. I am so much at a loss sometimes. I don't know sometimes if it's just a normal part of the dying process or if it's something that we need to do something about. I feel like I am her sole advocate but I feel so lost sometimes in knowing how to properly support her. Hospice has been just wonderful to answer my questions, check in on Mom or to order a special cushion to sit on, or meds to calm her anxious thoughts, or bring more Depends. They have been so loving and helpful.

Mama seems to be bringing up more and more junk from her lungs. Before Hospice, I would have taken her to the Cleveland Clinic ER and they would admit her to help drain the fluids from her body. Now, we just try to make her as comfortable as possible. It was much easier on my heart and mind to keep helping to "fix" her.  But to shift to NOT trying to fix her anymore is a completely different way of thinking. And the battle between my mind and my heart is a strong struggle. My heart wants to keep her with me but my mind (and soul) know that letting her go is the VERY best thing. I know that, but it doesn't make it easy.  Oh gosh, how do people get through life without a strong faith?

Caregiving (I am learning well) is a lonely place to be. No one really understands that unless one has walked that path themselves. I thought that being a new mama was hard (and it is!) but in that job of sleepless nights, wiping poopy butts, and living in a messy house, I was raising a baby to be ALIVE AND WELL! To grow up strong, healthy and active. As a caregiver, the sleepless nights and messy house are because the one, whose butt you wipe and cutting meat into tiny pieces for, is DYING. It's so hard and lonely.

Sleeping sitting up!

And yet, the occasional times that someone sits for Mom doesn't make me completely happy either. I mean, for MY well-being, it is important to get out to run errands, buy groceries, pay bills, work my Norwex business by demonstrating at parties and to go on a rare date-night. Just because Mom is dying doesn't mean I am. I still have a full, extremely busy life to live. It is so nice to leave her in capable hands, but just like leaving my new baby with a sitter, I am always happiest when I am taking care of her myself. I don't want to miss any second of her remaining life - yet I long to escape. Crazy, I know. I don't understand myself either!

God is really using this experience in my life. I am growing in my understanding of the dying process. I am growing in what it really means to "die to self and take up my own cross daily". I am learning sacrificial love. I am learning to trust Him for the next step and then the next step. I cling to His mercy and grace that are new every morning. I frequently crawl up onto His lap and snuggle in to have a good cry, in the middle of the night, when no one is looking. He understands me best and He loves me still.

Thanks for reading my thoughts. Thanks for loving for and praying for Mom. Come visit her. You are always welcome!

Blessings From Above

1-18-2020

Mom has been sleeping almost all day again today. She is awake such a short time. I had to wake her this afternoon for Nina to cut her hair, likely for her last haircut. Nina made special effort to make a "house call" and blessed mom extra by not accepting payment for her service! When Nina left, Mom said, "Why are people so nice to me?" to which I replied, "JESUS is the One so nice to you - He loves you so much and He is using His people to bless you. He loves you so much, Mama." She is just overwhelmed by the cards, notes and visits from so many people. I keep reminding her that He is the Giver of all good gifts.

Mom was trying to hold her oxygen tube in her nose so Nina could cut around her ears.

She was too tired to have Nina wash her hair. The hair cut wore her out completely. She needed to go back to sleep.

Sara is going to come sit with her Grandma around 4:00 on this evening, so that Mike and I can escape for a few hours to spend quality time with some good friends. Caregiving is emotionally and physically tiring (though I will NEVER regret my decision to keep Mama) so we thought a date night might prove good for the weary soul! 

Lyn is coming in the morning, weather permitting and if Mom is doing OK, to stay with her so that Mike and I can attend church together for the first time in almost a month! We will pick up our groceries and Mom's mediations on our way home and I will be good to sit tight for another extended length of time.

Her breathing is a bit more labored today - though I have seen it far worse. She is just so tired...

Nothing New To Report

1-17-2020

There is nothing too exciting or anything new to report tonight.

A good friend of mine allowed me to hire her to come sit with mom for six hours so that Lyn and I could start to sort through the things in Mom's apartment and get it ready for vacancy. Much to our surprise, the furnace had stopped working but we stayed anyhow, with our coats on, and kept sorting and packing.  Lyn and I both had moments of giggles and of tears as we worked through this sad process.

Mom is doing OK today. She still sleeps almost all the day long (and all night too). She dropped another pound of weight this morning for a new all-time low.

She rattles a little when she breaths. That makes me sad. I am armed with morphine if it starts to be a problem for her. So far she seems to be doing fairly well, but I want to be prepared so that she doesn't have to struggle and be scared of that part of this dying process.

No fun pictures. No visitors except for the sweet friend who not only stayed and cared for Mom, but cleaned my house (including my gross microwave) while Mom slept. God has given me such good friends. I can home to a freshly vacuumed and dusted house with clean, shiny floors!

I don't know of any company coming tomorrow but I know that Nina is coming to cut mom's hair on Sunday. What a treat that will be for her. I haven't told her yet - it's going to be a surprise!!!

Thanks for reading and for praying... We feel every single prayer!

Laurie (and Lyn)

Random Acts of Kindness

1-16-2020

Mom slept in a bit this morning. It wasn't until about 7:45 AM that she walked out of the bedroom all by herself, announcing "Good Morning!" It surprised us both. Mom woke up pretty chipper but after my doing her vitals, and her eating breakfast and taking her meds, she was wore out again and so she fell asleep in her chair.

Morning Kisses on my Sparkling Clean Mama

She woke up around 10:00AM, so I offered to get her bathed and put on fresh pajamas (her favorite pair) for the day. After brushing her teeth, she was wore out again and fell back to sleep in her chair until 11:45 when Aunt Jeannene stopped over with some delicious hot lunch and dessert for us to enjoy. What a blessing to have hot food delivered to the house! (I could get used to this part of this journey. LOL) Aunt Jeannene is such a good cook and she spoils Mike with rich, tasty desserts that melt in our mouths! (Yes, he shares a sliver with mom and me.)

Aunt Jeannene filled mom in on all the happenings at the apartment, while Mom enjoyed the delicious cheesy, baked pasta dish! Mom even wanted a little piece of the dessert. She has sure enjoyed having her diet be a little more lenient that it normally was. It's time for her to enjoy and savor some of her favorite foods (within reasonable amounts, of course). Comfort measures and her happiness are what we are focusing most on these days. And it makes me happy to see her enjoying the few pleasures she has left.

Mom doesn't have the desire to read, watch TV, work on puzzles, or even listen to books. I offered to read to her a little each day, but she turned me down. I think it's hard for her to focus and remember and it's just easier for her to accept if she doesn't have to try. She does get very restless and says she is going to go crazy if she doesn't get up and move - mind you this woman hasn't set more than a minute in her entire life: you guys know how hard of a worker she has been for most of her life. But her body is so weak that she can't make more than a lap or two back and forth in the living room and her legs wear out and she plops back down in her chair. She does her daytime sleeping in her chair in the middle of the living room. I offered to move her chair into her bedroom so it would be quieter and less interrupted but she tells me that she likes being near me, in the middle of the room, where she can see what I am doing - when she isn't sleeping.

Another kindness - Mom's hairdresser, Nina Collins, has offered to come to the house to cut Mom's hair. What a sweet lady. Mom is just too weak to go to her salon. So that was another unexpected blessing that will take place his weekend.

Sometimes when she asks to get up to walk, she says things like "What I am getting up for?" or "Am I supposed to be walking? Can't I sit down?" or "Where am I supposed to go?" or "Do I need to go to the bathroom?". When she first came she would walk for 30 or more minutes. Now she goes back and forth once or twice and quits. Her legs are getting really weak from lack of use. But she still walks to the potty and to her bedroom to sleep at night and back to her chair come mornings, so we are thankful for that. I know that won't always be the case.

She has lost more weight again. She is at her new record low. Her arms are so thin and I can see her ribs on her back when I bathe her. Quite a shock from the chubby little mama that I have loved for so long. Only her legs remain plump from the extra fluid she is carrying around. I wonder how little she would weigh if we could get that remaining water-weight off her. I am guessing she is carrying at least a gallon of extra water in her body, which I think is 8 pounds, if my thinking is correct. She is starting to cough up more phlegm from her lungs again. She had stopped that for a while but it's more frequent now again. With the decrease in urine output, there is nowhere for that fluid to go... so it just slowly fills her up inside.

So we continue to wait again today for the Lord to call her to Himself. She asks daily why she hasn't died yet. I just keep telling her that we have to wait until it's her turn.

Good Day for a Change!

1-15-2020

Mom was kind of slow and confused all day yesterday, sleeping a lot and not eating much but today... oh my goodness! She was hungry and pretty alert all day today, whenever she was awake. She still slept a lot but woke up making sense each time.

She even got to giggling telling me a story about an antique family heirloom dish that they thought was supposed to be valuable and how Dad and Mom went to have it appraised. They found out it was only worth $28! No one is sure how the story of it's great worth got started but she chuckled telling me the story of how it's not-so-great value was discovered. It was really good to hear her tell me other things today too, that sounded just like my Mom. She even jokingly called me "orie orie" which was the name I called myself when I was little.

So finally... I have some fun good-newsy things to tell!

Sara and the kids stopped over for a quick visit and Lyn popped in for a short visit too. Both of them had to wake Mom to tell her hello but she responded well to them.

I have a dear friend coming to stay with Mom on Friday, for a few hours, so that Lyn and I can go to Mom's apartment to start to sort and box up her things. She doesn't need anything up there anymore. The few clothes she has with her here are plenty. She prefers wearing just her pajamas these days anyhow.

Like everything dealing with Mom's impending death, I waver between relief of getting everything squared away, all while grieving tearfully with each step towards her absence from me. Emotions are strange things....  Some days I am strong and others, well, not so much.

All in all, it was a good day. One of the better ones for sure and I hope for a repeat tomorrow.

I will write more again soon.

Laurie

Mom's Struggling Mentally

1-13-2020

My sister, Lyn, was an angel this morning. She came over to my house to help lift my load a little so that I could work in my office and give me a break to run into town to do a Post Office run and pick up a few groceries until I can get a better idea of what I need.

She bathed Mom, put her in clean pajamas, changed her bedding, took her to the bathroom several times and made her bed! I am so very thankful for her help this morning. Just a few hours of interrupted time today made a huge difference in MY mental health! I am really struggling trying to keep my business afloat in between devoting most of my time and energy to our sweet Mama/Grandma.

Today was another confused and sleepy day for Mom. She asked me over and over what she was supposed to be doing. It's hard to take someone who has worked so hard all her life and now her body and brain won't let her do anything. She can't watch TV or read because she can't follow the story line. Her confusion won't let her put together puzzles anymore. She has no interest in painting, beading, sewing, or even coloring in her fun adult coloring books. She can't help me in the kitchen. In fact, unlike the mom I knew, it doesn't even occur to her to wash a dish, fold a little laundry, help fix dinner. She can't think those things through that she has done for 80 of her 85 years of life. Oh, and lost more weight. She is now only 112.7 pounds. That is down 10 pounds since December 25th.

I think Mom enjoyed my homemade chicken noodle soup but I know for sure that she enjoyed a tiny serving of vanilla ice cream. As a diabetic, she carefully watched her sweets, but now on Hospice, they said that she can reasonably eat anything she wants in moderation, of course. She sat pretty quiet through her dinner but when I mentioned ice cream, there was a spark of joy in her tired, sad eyes.

The Hospice doctor is coming with Mom's nurse tomorrow afternoon. I haven't met her yet but I am sure that she will be wonderful for Mom just like all the Hospice people have been so far. I am arming myself with several questions to ask her tomorrow.

I will hopefully have more news to share then.

Oh, and by the way, I did get short video of Mom telling me that she loves me! It's a sad video of Mama in her far away place but I have her words to watch over and over again.

Until tomorrow.