Communion

1-20-2020

Mom woke me up at 4:30 this morning and wanted me to help her out to her chair. So I got her all settled into her chair and one of us was able to fall back to sleep! Guess which one? I think she is trying to get even for the nights she missed sleeping while walking the floors with me almost 65 years ago. Gotta love that little lady!

She ate a pretty decent lunch this noon time. It's funny how some days she eats hardly anything and then others she has a fairly hearty appetite! She is really so restless. Thankfully she sleeps a lot because when she is awake, she is up and down and up and down again! She yells "I want to get up!" so I rush over to stand her up but she doesn't have any idea where she wants to go!

Mom's friend, Mary Lynn stopped over today to pray for her and bring her communion. Mary Lynn reluctantly let me take her picture.  (Thank you for granting me permission to post it here.) It was a pleasant little visit. Mom continues to be blessed by so many!

The Hospice nurse is stopping over in a little while to check on mom. She is starting to have a new issue so they are kind enough to send someone to see what we need to do next. I am so much at a loss sometimes. I don't know sometimes if it's just a normal part of the dying process or if it's something that we need to do something about. I feel like I am her sole advocate but I feel so lost sometimes in knowing how to properly support her. Hospice has been just wonderful to answer my questions, check in on Mom or to order a special cushion to sit on, or meds to calm her anxious thoughts, or bring more Depends. They have been so loving and helpful.

Mama seems to be bringing up more and more junk from her lungs. Before Hospice, I would have taken her to the Cleveland Clinic ER and they would admit her to help drain the fluids from her body. Now, we just try to make her as comfortable as possible. It was much easier on my heart and mind to keep helping to "fix" her.  But to shift to NOT trying to fix her anymore is a completely different way of thinking. And the battle between my mind and my heart is a strong struggle. My heart wants to keep her with me but my mind (and soul) know that letting her go is the VERY best thing. I know that, but it doesn't make it easy.  Oh gosh, how do people get through life without a strong faith?

Caregiving (I am learning well) is a lonely place to be. No one really understands that unless one has walked that path themselves. I thought that being a new mama was hard (and it is!) but in that job of sleepless nights, wiping poopy butts, and living in a messy house, I was raising a baby to be ALIVE AND WELL! To grow up strong, healthy and active. As a caregiver, the sleepless nights and messy house are because the one, whose butt you wipe and cutting meat into tiny pieces for, is DYING. It's so hard and lonely.

Sleeping sitting up!

And yet, the occasional times that someone sits for Mom doesn't make me completely happy either. I mean, for MY well-being, it is important to get out to run errands, buy groceries, pay bills, work my Norwex business by demonstrating at parties and to go on a rare date-night. Just because Mom is dying doesn't mean I am. I still have a full, extremely busy life to live. It is so nice to leave her in capable hands, but just like leaving my new baby with a sitter, I am always happiest when I am taking care of her myself. I don't want to miss any second of her remaining life - yet I long to escape. Crazy, I know. I don't understand myself either!

God is really using this experience in my life. I am growing in my understanding of the dying process. I am growing in what it really means to "die to self and take up my own cross daily". I am learning sacrificial love. I am learning to trust Him for the next step and then the next step. I cling to His mercy and grace that are new every morning. I frequently crawl up onto His lap and snuggle in to have a good cry, in the middle of the night, when no one is looking. He understands me best and He loves me still.

Thanks for reading my thoughts. Thanks for loving for and praying for Mom. Come visit her. You are always welcome!