Extremely Tired Today

1-12-2020

Mom has stayed pretty good mentally today. Not her normal self but she made pretty good sense all day today in the few words of conversation we had.  She slept fairly well last night, only waking once to use the bathroom and then she went right back to bed and slept well past her normal wake time.

I took her vitals and gave her the morning dose of pills around 8:00AM. She promptly fell asleep before finishing her coffee, even though we had the chatter of Abbey and her family here for breakfast. They had spent the night with us and were packing up to head back to PA for Cory to do some job interviews for Subway.  She slept through most of that but woke up to tell them goodbye and to eat a little Cream of Wheat around 10:00AM. Then right back to sleep she went!

Cory, Abbey, Avery, Joey and Henry saying goodbye.

I woke her around 1:30 for lunch. Mom ate a decent sized late lunch and took her afternoon meds before she went right back to sleep. She hasn't had to pee hardly at all today and I notice that she had gained some weight this morning when I weighed her.  Her feet and legs are swelling and her ankle bones have all but disappeared.

She had a short visit from my Aunt Jeannene and her little dog, Hope, around 3PM. (I forgot to take a picture) Mom was happy to see them but I had to wake her to visit with her. Aunt Jeannene gave her the details of the church service this morning and all the latest news from the Senior Citizen luncheon that Mom loved to attend. Mom didn't have too much to say back. She wanted to give Hope some kisses. But as soon as Jeannene left, mom fell right back to sleep.

Such a sleepy girl with swollen legs!

I don't think she is feeling very good today. She didn't complain or hint that she isn't, but something is just different, so it seems. Though her mind was pretty good, she just couldn't stay awake and asked me to help put her to bed at 5:00 this evening. She just said she couldn't stay awake. I think she went right to sleep because she hasn't called out for me to fix her covers or find her water bottle. When I tucked her in and told her that I loved her, deep inside I wondered if tonight is last time I get to tell her that. Seems like every time I do something for her (wash her hair, launder her pajamas, etc) I wonder if this is the last time. Some day it will be. I guess I just want to prepare myself for when that reality hits. Her poor heart beats so hard. It's tired. She is tired. She says she just wants "to die but I don't know how!"

I don't think that Mama has long for this world. I hope tomorrow to try to video her saying that she loves me. I have a feeling I will want to listen to that over and over again as the days/months/years go by.

"Good night, Mama. I love you. Sleep well. It's OK if Jesus calls you home tonight." - my nightly ritual of tucking her into bed. I say it like I mean it, because I do, but man, I am going to miss her.

Weekend Guests

1-11-2020

Brian and Stacy (and kids) came down from Michigan to spend some time with their Grandma/ Great Grandma today. It was so nice to see them all again. Their kids are getting so big! I think Mom was pretty alert today and her appetite was better today. Stacey came armed with boxes of Grandma's favorite crackers, three jars of unsweetened applesauce, fresh cut pineapple and four little containers of blueberry applesauce for a special treat. Dan and Lyn stopped in for a bit to bring some needed things from Mom's apartment and brought Mom's dog, Holly, for a visit.

Michael and Emily (and kids) arrived around noon. So very much fun to have more people come! Emily was kind enough to pick up some medications for Grandma at the pharmacy. She also is lending me a baby monitor so that I can finally sleep in my own bed, instead of on the couch, so that I can hear when Mom gets up in the night.

We sat around the kitchen counter and nibbled on tasty snacks while giggling and chatting as only four generations of women/girls do. I can't believe how much mom ate just snacking away!
.... Four Generations.... wow, that descriptive phrase just put a lump in my throat.

Grandma Ginnie surrounded by just a few of her favorite girls!

Grandma sneaks in a little kiss for Isaiah

Sammy slid in for the next picture

Emily and Stacey - two of Grandma's six granddaughters

Foot massage by Abbey

Cory and Abbey (and kids) arrived last. Though they got there last, Abbey still found plenty of time to give Grandma a loving foot massage. She really liked that...and so did Abbey!

Shortly after lunch, everyone left and I tucked Mom into her bed for a little nap. She gets tired pretty easy but all in all, today was one of her better days that she has had in a while. She has always loved having her kids, grandkids and great grandkids around and today was no different.

The afternoon was quiet but when evening rolled around, Abbey and Cory came back to spend the night before heading back to PA.

Finally, Mom is tucked into bed until tomorrow when we start our day all over again! Say a prayer that she sleeps all night!

Quiet Day of Rest

1-10-2020

Today was a quiet day of rest for both Mom and me. She was restless last night and had a hard time even going to bed, let alone staying asleep for too long. She woke me several times in the night so this morning, I felt a bit like the mama of new baby who has its days and nights mixed up.  She woke early this morning, before I was ready to get up - but, well... when she is up, so am I. She was confused this morning likely from lack of good sleep.

I was helping her bathe and get into some clean pajamas. As I stooped down to help her get her swollen feet and legs into her pajama pants, she leaned over and kissed the top of my head. She didn't say anything but the words she spoke in that little kiss were many! I know she loves me. What a good feeling!

Sara brought her troops by while Mom was eating lunch. Sara mentioned that Mom was the most distant she had ever seen her. When I told her that Brian and Stacey were coming tomorrow, she had to stop and think who they were. She kept repeating, softly under her breath, "Brian and Stacey. Brian and Stacey." trying to recall why those names sounded familiar. Finally it clicked when I told her it was Lyn's son and his wife and then she said, "Good."

I ground up Mom's pills today for the first time and put them in a couple spoonfuls of yogurt. Stacey is bringing some applesauce for me to use for her pills. Swallowing them is getting harder each day. She really liked taking them that way and gobbled them right down. Another problem solved!!!

Her legs are a lot more swollen today than yesterday. Her breathing, thank heavens, is not labored yet. But she is hardly peeing. Even with her dose of diuretics, twice a day, she has only gone a little bit twice, between 8AM and 4:30PM. She is coughing up more junk from her lungs.

She has just been really confused today. A great deal of the day she just stands staring. Lost in a place where even thoughts or dreams have evaporated. She will still usually respond yes or no when I ask her a question, though the most frequent response is "I don't know" or "Let me think about that".  She has been standing in one spot for well over an hour now. She refuses to sit or lay down right now.

That's about all there is to report today. Tomorrow we have family coming to see her. Everyone wants to visit her again. She has been such a huge part of our family. We all love her so much. She and Dad made things so fun for Lyn and me, for our kids and for our grandkids. Such good memories.

Each night when I tuck her in, I tell her how much I love her and that it's OK to die. And I wonder, will tonight be the night?

Laurie

Hospice Nurse Update

1-9-2020

This morning started off really good! Mom woke up and took herself to the bathroom before I could get to her! (Usually she calls me for help!) She was pretty alert this morning, almost like her usual self, and we enjoyed our coffee time together. She actually would initiate conversation and we visited back and forth for quite a while. I really enjoyed that time with her this morning. We didn't talk about anything serious, but it was fun, just mother and daughter chatting away about nothing in particular.

Mom's friend, Eric, text me and asked if he could call mom. I told him she was having a pretty good morning so he did and they chatted a bit. She really enjoyed him taking the time. The cards, calls, emails just keep coming! Hm, I am starting think that just maybe a few more people than me, love my Mama too! Speaking of emails, Dana sent her a sweet note this morning for me print off for her. I had to help her read it. She struggled comprehending and staying on line to the next word, so I stood over her shoulder so she could read it along with me.

She remembered Dana's stories and even added a few more of her own. She had very vivid memories of cooking sweet corn over an open fire for Dana and Terry. 

Amy "FaceTimed" with Grandma before she had to leave for work. I took advantage of her visit to run down and shower quickly while Amy kept Mom occupied. That was the fastest shower I have ever taken in my life! LOL But it worked. So Amy helped out this morning from Oahu! And boy did I appreciate it!

By this time, she was ready for a little lunch. I warmed up some Rice/Hamburger (renal diet worthy) Casserole and fixed her a nice sized chopped salad (Thanks Abbey and Cory). It's her most asked for request. She loves Subway chopped salads so Abbey and Cory made sure we have the means to make them for her. I think that maybe she doesn't have to work so hard to chew but gets all her renal-diet friendly fresh veggies in a bowl. (It is a pretty snazzy kitchen tool!) Mom's mind here is now sliding slowly away... she gets that far away look in her eyes and stops talking for the most part.

About 1:30 this afternoon Nurse Amber stopped in to check on Mom. She said that she can hear that Mom's lungs are starting to fill higher with fluid. I know that the swelling of the legs means increasing fluid in her lungs and around her heart. She mentioned that mom's heart is beating so hard that it was moving her stethoscope up and down with the beats. She is sending out a low dose of morphine and another drug that will help with the panic Mom will start to feel when her breathing gets more labored. Mom is so anxious and ready to die but she is terrified of suffocating. She told me to keep them up on high shelf but have them ready for when I think she needs them. She said likely that will happen in the middle of night when she is laying down and she didn't want me to have to wait for someone to come out to medicate her to ease her fear.

The reality that Mom's "hourglass" is quickly running out of sand hit me again. It's hard to explain how feelings of fear/relief, panic/peace, heartache/joy run hand in hand. I do have to say that the Lord met me in such a real way this morning during my quiet time listening for His voice. Through the words of two different devotional readings and His Word (in the book of Job of all places!) He shared these thoughts:

• We are called to be Christ-like image bearers, to reflect God to others. He is Immanuel: God With Us (not only beside us, but above us, below us, in front and behind us, but most importantly INSIDE us because He chooses to be so close that He dwells in us too!
• That TRUE love is sacrificial. God sacrificed His Son, Jesus sacrificed His life to save us from our sins and I need to sacrifice my life right now for my sweet mom.
• True love isn't really love at all if it isn't sacrificial. It's easy to love when things are easy but as soon as marriage, health, finances get tough, we tend to bail unless we love, truly love like Jehovah, Yahweh, Elohim, Adonai.
• And in the book of Job, Chapter 23:10-14
• "...He knows the way I take; when He has tried me, I shall come forth as gold. My foot has held fast to His path; I have kept His way and not turned aside. I have not departed from the command of His lips; I have treasured the words of His mouth more than my necessary food. But He is unique and who can turn Him? and what His soul desires, that He does. For He performs what is appointed for me, and many such decrees are with Him."

So my family and friends, how can I hang on to the fear, panic and heartache side of my emotions right now? I can't. Not when the Father is speaking such clear words of affirmation and love to me. So I choose to grip tight to His hand and soak forever in relief, peace and joy side of things... "for He performs what is appointed for me..." And because He is good, I know that this too shall be used for His glory and my becoming more like His Son.

Treasuring the words of His mouth,

Laurie

Hospice Chaplin & Michigan Visitors

January 8, 2020

This morning, around 11:00AM, the Hospice Chaplin stopped in to see Mom. He talked quietly to Mom for awhile and then he read her Psalm 121. I am not sure she comprehended those beautiful words but I did. He prayed for Mom and ended with the Lord's Prayer. Mom perked up and recited it with him and then sort of drifted far away again.

Lyn made some tasty lunch for Mom's afternoon guests. Aunt Mary, Sally and Paul stopped to say their goodbyes. Aunt Mary had some things that she really wanted to tell Mom and it was beautiful to see her softly speaking her words of love and goodbyes. They have always been so close - almost like twins! Mom has told me so many times "I want to die but I don't know how to die!" She told Aunt Mary and Sally the same thing. When she woke up this morning she asked why she was still here.

Aunt Mary and Mama

One last picture together. It's a good one, I think.

Sally saying her goodbyes, too. Mom is so loved!

Mom needed a nap once they left but she didn't sleep very long. She is still in a state of confusion and it seems worse when she is tired. She doesn't remember anymore how to open her water bottle. She doesn't remember what she is in the midst of and asks me what she is doing or what she is supposed to do next.  She doesn't remember Aunt Mary, Sally and Paul coming anymore. She worries when I am not in sight. She says I need to do her thinking for her.

I noticed her legs are swelling up again. She had been doing so good since she got out of the hospital on Dec. 23rd, but now I see them starting to retain water. She seems to have more mucus in her lungs too, today, though not as bad as I have seen in the past.  I put in a call to her nurse, Amber, to voice my concerns. She is checking with the doctor to see if we could increase mom's diuretics a little more. That concerns me because those pills are so hard on her kidneys but if we don't keep the fluid down she can't breathe easily. What is good for the heart is bad for kidneys. What is good for the kidneys is hard on the heart. It's a fine and constant balancing act. Being on Hospice, they don't take all the blood tests like they used to do. I liked seeing how her test results were all the time but now it is just a waiting game.

So we wait...

Laurie

UPDATE: Mom just woke from a longer nap and said how much she enjoyed Aunt Mary and the way she, Mary, reminded her of fun things from long ago. She said she is really tired but that she had such a good time. The brain is an interesting thing.... one minute she is with me and the next she is not. She remembered a lot of our day after resting....

More Visitors and Long Talk 1-7-20

Today was a busy, fun-filled day.  My cousins, Dana, Chris and Robin, who consider my mom their second mother, came down from Michigan to bid their Aunt Ginnie goodbye. They came armed with delicious chicken soup and little sandwiches. All I had to do was turn on the coffee pot. How I love these ladies who are so special to me and to my mom. And Dave, well, he is the brother I never had! I am so blessed to have family who loves mom so much. Lyn was here too, to spend time with these sweet family members! I think we overwhelmed the Hospice nurse and social worker with the silly, crazy, laugh-filled time! Mom was plumb wore out when they left. She even let me tuck her into bed for about 30 minutes to catch a few winks. She sat at the table with us to eat her lunch, and though she didn't say much, I think she enjoyed hearing the fun conversation. Normally, she would have been right in the midst but this time, she sort of watched from afar - in her own distant place. Gosh it was good to have their love and support today though.

Before they could even leave, Uncle Dean (92) and "Auntie" Yvonne stopped in for a short visit. Mom was pretty tired by this time but she enjoyed seeing them too. So many people love her. I am so appreciative of them stopping by. My heart needed this company today.

Mom's regular Hospice nurse stopped by this time and said she didn't think Mom was ready for two-a-day visits yet, for which I am thankful. But her memory continues to struggle. I continue to feel like I am dealing with my sweet Mother In Law, who struggled with dementia for years. We have similar conversations.

Mom went to bed, sporting her new "pull up" tonight. She didn't question it or cause any kind of rift for wearing it. She just accepted that this was a good thing for her. Gosh, I can't tell you how thankful I am for that. I was so afraid it would be a struggle but the Good Lord made it an easy transition. This will make my life so much easier. As long as she can sit on the potty, we will still try that, but I no longer need to worry about accidents or having to change her bedding in the night. Small things make such joy for me right now!

The sweet Hospice volunteer that delivered them to me was so kind and sympathetic. I was able to share a Cross Penny with her and thank her for being Jesus to me, mom and so many countless Hospice patients and families. Mike told me he was watching out the window, and smiled, knowing exactly what I was offering to her.  God just continues to bless me in my attempt to share the love of Christ with people.  (My entire family got these for Christmas to bless 500 people with!) I am doing my best to share them as often as I can.  https://www.airstrikeinc.com

Mom went to bed at her usual 6PM time but she woke up around 7:30 and we sat on the end of her bed and had the closest thing to a "heart-to-heart" conversation as we will likely get. She said, "Laurie, I want to die but I just don't know how!" I assured that she didn't have to figure that part out, that God would do that for her. We just simply need to wait for His call. We talked about Dad being there to greet her with Jesus. We talked about what the Bible says about what Heaven will be like and hope that we have. Precious memories for sure.

I am so very blessed by each and every day and the special blessings that the Lord brings to me through my husband's support, my cousins, friends, etc. Even my Norwex team sent me a beautiful bouquet of flowers in support of the passing of Mike's mom and the struggle we are going through with Mama right now. I feel so loved and supported. God is so near and continues to speak to me through His Word and through the people who love me so much.

Thanks all of you for continuing to pray. As always, pray that Mama figures out "how to die" in her words. We pray for it to be quick and without struggle. I just want God to take her in the night while she sleeps. But Your will be done, Lord and not mine.

Good night loved ones! I will post again tomorrow.

Laurie

Twice A Day Nurse Visits     1-6-2020

Sara popped in to sit with her Grandma for a couple of hours so that my sister and I could make a trip to Ashland together. We had some things we needed to discuss and a few errands to do in that town, so she rode with me. There are just so many things to figure out!  We are talking about how to go about closing down Mom's cute little apartment, selling/giving away her belongings and getting things wrapped up there. We didn't want to discuss that in front of her. I don't know how much she still comprehends (it seems to fluctuate) so we had a good discussion.

Lydia handmade grandma some little felt birds and a nest.

Lyn, Sara, Jackson, Lydia and Simon

Ethan and Grandma
There are a few times when Mom can focus and center in - like she did here with Ethan. It's fun to see glimpses of her. She focused right in on his face and told him how she loves him and how handsome she thinks  he is! Then a few minutes later, she sort of checks out and withdraws again. We treasure these moments when we see that sparkle in her eyes. 

Another Hospice Nurse stopped by while I was out running errands. I didn't know anyone was coming today! After checking Mom, they have decided she has physically moved to another level of Hospice care and we will be getting nurse visits TWICE A DAY now! I need to contact them and ask if they would mind running out some Depends and water-proof pads. Seems that we need them now. The changes are just happening so fast!

Thanks for following along Mom's journey with my sister and me. There is a certain amount of comfort knowing all of you are out there praying for her and sending good thoughts for peace and happy moments.

Until tomorrow...