Final Tribute

1-27-2020

Saturday night, Mike and I had a hard time getting mom to bed. She had forgotten how to walk or stand and her legs were rubbery and shaky.  It took both of us to get her tucked into bed for the night. She called for me around midnight, at that point, her arms had stopped functioning normally too.

I called Hospice very early that morning and told them to please send a nurse over at one of their earliest appointments because Mom made another big decline during the night. After talking to the nurse, I crawled into her bed and rubbed her arm and face while I told her again how much I loved her and how excited I was for her that her hard struggle was nearing the end.

The nurse showed up, around 10:00AM and told me that Mom's new symptoms were not unexpected. Her oxygen levels nosedived into the 70's, and that was a pretty sure sign that Mom only had hours left. I set my watch alarm to go off every two hours so that we could keep Mom comfortable with her morphine and another pill to ease any anxiety she might have. 

Sara called to say she was going to help Geoff get the kids fed and ready for church and then she wanted to come over and spend some time her Grandma and I.  She crawled in bed and shared what was on her heart with Grandma. Sara said, "I love you, Grandma" and Grandma surprised us by repeating those words to her!!!! She had been unresponsive, but apparently was listening to everything that was being said to her. That made Sara so happy to hear those words one last time. 

Sara's turn to snuggle.

Sara made comment that Sunday after Sunday she would hold her Grandma's hand during church when they worshiped together this past year. This is a precious picture of Grandmother and Granddaughter and the love that flowed through their hands without any words needed.

Amy (and Macy) called all the way from Oahu, via FaceTime, to share memories with Sara and Grandma, as they were laying on the bed together. There were so many good memories to talk about and thank their Grandma for.  

Dan and Lyn showed up just in time for Brian to FaceTime. Grandma was so loved by her 6 Grandchildren and soon to be, 17 Great Grandchildren. She and Daddy left us a loving legacy of what passionate, married love looks like.  And the Grands and Great Grands have been so blessed to have had them in their lives.

Sara went home to get some of her children. They didn't all want to come - we all deal with death differently but Ethan, Lydia and Simon did.  Lydia has been working so hard on some sewing projects and she wanted so badly to show them to Great Grandma. She is quite the little seamstress! Mom loved seeing her handiwork - she takes after her Great Grandma for sure. She would have been so proud and just beaming to see Lydia's tiny hand stitches. (Oh mom, we all miss you already).

So much love in the room

Everyone finally went home, except for Lyn and I. We sat at Mom's bedside watching her breathing becoming more and more shallow for about the final 4 hours of her life. I am so thankful that she didn't know how hard she was struggling to breathe. It seemed her lungs were full to the top with fluid. The medicine worked so well to keep her peaceful. I am so grateful for that. That was the only thing she feared - to know she was drowning.

She was so ready to die. She would state that fact several times a day, and continue to ask everyone she saw, if they could tell her how to die when she was in her confused state of mind. I heard her pray out loud several times asking Jesus to please take her heaven. But she was really worried about not being able to breathe. That was the hardest part of it all, to see her gurgle and struggle for air as the night progressed.

Mama finally had her first dance with Jesus at 10:07 PM. Her last breath here was her first in Glory and there she didn't have to struggle to think, to breathe, to walk .... It was a privilege to watch her transition.  Lyn and I were both relieved when that final breath came. Her struggle was finally over.

Lyn headed home around 10:30, after I had called to let Hospice know that she was passed. I went up and woke Mike up to let him know it was over. (He had just gone to bed shortly before 10:00). A nurse came out about 45 minutes later, and filled out the necessary paperwork for me. She called our local funeral home to come get Mama's body. We didn't need any time "with her" - we had all loved on her and whispered words of thanks and adoration to her while she was living. The couple who came to get her were so kind and gentle as they took her away. I leaned down one last time to breathe in deeply the scent of her hair and skin, and I kissed her forehead for the last time and told her that I loved her and would miss her so much.

It was 1:23AM when we turned down the light and finally crawled into bed. (The time made me smile - God so frequently makes me notice the time when it's in a sequence. I can't tell you how many times He wakes me up to look at the clock and it will be 12:34 or 3:45 or something similar. It always makes me smile.) So as I glanced at the clock and said it was 1-2-3 o'clock, I felt His loving hug around me to let me know that Mama arrived safely and was in good hands. I fell sound asleep with a  tear running down my cheek but a big smile on my face.

Today has been a wee bit tough. I have had three good, hard cries from the deepest places in my soul. Silly things set me off, like smelling Mom's scent on her pajama bottoms. Another time was just unloading the dishwasher and seeing the stainless steel straw that I gave her a drink of orange juice from and her favorite bowl to eat Cream of Wheat out of. Tonight we ate some green beans (Mom's favorite kind - frozen whole bean green beans, which I had purchased for her) with our dinner and I had a hard time swallowing them for the lump in my throat.

But, all in all, it has been a good day of slowly returning my house to its normal state. I changed the bedding on Mom's bed and put away all the meds, breathing exerciser, blood pressure cuff, etc. As I tidied her room, I cleaned her glasses that lay on the night stand. Somehow it didn't seem right to see them smudged, so now they lay there shiny and clean - not that she needs them anymore. She sees clearer now that she ever has.

I am just a bit jealous to be honest. I can't wait until it's my turn to dance with Jesus too.

Thanks for reading Mom's journey. You are the people who meant most to her! She loved each and everyone of you. Mom lived well and loved well too.

There will be no services, at her request. At a later date, when we can gather our immediate family together, like we did for my dad/Papa, we will scatter her ashes, and the remaining ones of Daddy/Papa, and celebrate the life of the woman we loved so well.

Quite a crowd just because two people fell in love, huh?

Always for Him,
Laurie and the rest of our family:

Mike, Amy, Kelly, Kyleigh, Macy, Sara, Geoff, Braeden, Ethan, Jackson, Lydia, Simon, Dan, Lyn, Brian, Stacey, Helena, Everett, Alyssa, Craig, Kamiah, Emily, Michael, Eleanor, Isaiah, Samuel, Abigail, Cory, Avery, Joseph, Henry and baby in July.

Mama is Dancing with Jesus!

1-26-2020

I will write a nice tribute to Mama, filling you in on the details of her journey but Mama passed away tonight at 10:07PM. Lyn and I were there to spend her last moments on earth with us.

We are both relieved, to be honest. Mom struggled with all her issues for so long.

I will write more tomorrow. Gosh we are going to miss her so much.

She was surrounded all day by so many people who loved her.

Won't Be Long

1-26-2020

Mom continues to decline. She doesn't really have use of her arms anymore now, as well as her legs. Her breathing is changing. Long pauses between some breaths now.

Hospice is coming in about 30 minutes and hopefully they will increase her morphine so that she doesn't try to get out of bed. She attempted to get up this morning and fell to her knees on the floor because she can't stand.

I will keep you posted... Please pray for a peaceful and swift transition. She still doesn't appear to be in pain or struggling to breathe for which I am so thankful. But she isn't drinking or eating anything.

Newest Update

1-25-2020

First, I want to apologize for not updating this blog the past couple of days. To be really honest, there wasn't really anything new to report - things seemed to be pretty stable but that all changed in the night last night.

Mom was really restless and agitated. She woke up frequently very confused and yelling for someone to come help her! (She was really delusional.)  When I went down stairs to help her go to the bathroom, I found out that she was shaking all over and couldn't stand up very well. Her legs were very rubbery. She forgot how to move one foot in front of the other, so it took forever to go just a few feet to get her on the potty. She just got a brand new walker yesterday and already she can't use it.

The Hospice nurse on the weekend, stopped by this morning and said that she thinks Mom has just taken another big step to decline. Since Mom can't stand up anymore for me to bathe her, they are sending someone out three days a week (M,W, F) to bathe her for me. And a Hospice nurse will be stopping by every day and calling at night to see if I want someone to stop out in the evening too. She no sooner left and we got our first set of company.

Emily and family  came for a visit. Michael and the kids headed over to Sara and Geoff's house to help work on some remodeling work they are doing. Emily stayed with me the entire day, allowing me run for prescriptions for Mom and allowing me to take a 30 minute nap! I slept so sound knowing someone else was in charge of Mom. It was my best sleep I have had in over three weeks!

Pedicure and Shiny Red Toenails!

Sammy and Emily give Grandma a
foot massage with lotion!

Ellie and Isaiah Kisses!

Emily and I decided we were going to get Grandma in the bathtub. It was no easy task but she smells sweet as a newborn baby! She is so tired - it really wore her out.

Craig showed up (with Dan and Lyn) to see her in the afternoon. He drove straight here, through ice and snow storm to all the way from near Chicago! She was so happy to see him.

Dan, Mom and Craig

Kisses from Lyn

 So for those of you on Facebook who saw Emily's post tonight, we don't think Mom has long before she goes to be Jesus, her beloved husband and so many of her sisters and good friends. So many are waiting to greet her when the time finally comes.

It's tougher now that she can't walk or feed herself. Hospice brought me a bedside commode to help ease the next big hurdle, although Mom really isn't going to bathroom much anymore. I am hoping she still has some rational moments.

Thank you to everyone who stopped by today and gave me a little break. Cabin fever sets in for me now and then.

I will update more when I have more news. If you don't hear from me, don't worry. If things are stable and no one comes to visit, I don't have much to report. I promise to let you all know right away when Mom finally breathes her last breath.

Blood Pressure Too High

1-22-2020

Mom's blood pressure was way too high this morning. Not sure if something happened to her heart last night or maybe something is going to happen to her heart soon. It was a radical change from the weeks and days before. 219/114 was today's reading compared to her average around 135/75. She isn't showing signs of a stroke or acting any different than her new normal self.  She says she doesn't have any chest pain or discomfort anywhere. However, she is very restless again today and then from sound sleep, blurted out loudly, "Someone help me! What am I supposed to do?" and then fell back asleep. It startled me and made me jump when she hollered.

Mom's favorite way to sleep anymore.

Enjoying a fruit plate as part of her breakfast.
The only thing she has forward to, is what she
is eating and she doesn't eat much anymore.

Mom has every single one of these signs now except for nausea and vomiting. And also no chest pain yet, thank goodness. But all the rest are daily occurrences for her. Not looking forward to the vomiting part of this process, but I am sure it is not too far in the future.

She kept crawling out of bed last night. She slept about 20 minutes and then got up six times before she finally stayed in bed for a few hours. Each time I asked why she got up and she stared blankly and said "I don't know. What am I supposed to be doing?" Each time, I turned her around to tuck her back in, only to have her get back up 2-10 minutes later. I need to ask Hospice to give me something to help her settle at night. She sleeps so much during the daytime hours, that she no longer knows if it's morning or night.

I have been trying so diligently to work in my office today but Mom's restlessness is keeping me from getting anything important or urgent done. There is no way I can make important phone calls right now or run team stat reports - and make sense of them.  I've worked all morning just trying to send the Durable Power of Attorney papers to places that need them and even so, I have had to resort to mailing them (because I can't go to town to use a fax machine) so it is going to take longer than need be to be able to settle her financial affairs. Life is swirling by me, at warp speeds no less, and I am moving slowly here in a thick, clear molasses, slowly going under, so it seems.

We are not expecting any visitors today. No great grandchildren to wear her out so she sleeps at night.   She is still receiving some sweet cards from so many of you. Thank you. She reads them over and over. She loves getting mail. (It gives her something to do that she can still do for herself!)

*** I still need a couple of things from town if anyone local is reading this blog. Mom is almost out of her cough syrup and she will panic if I don't have any to give her when she is choking on that nasty thick mucus. 

No Big Changes Today

1/21/2020

I don't have anything big to report, no major changes, no big news to share... Just another day of waiting.

Mom has dropped a little more weight. She was 110.8 yesterday and today she is at 110.1. Her blood pressure is still a bit on the high side but not too bad considering her condition. It averages around 135/85. Her blood sugar has been pretty steady, around 160 or so when she wakes. Only the weight loss concerns me most but they tell me it's expected.

Sara was here for about 10 minutes, enough time for me to take a quick shower! I am so grateful for those little moments! She and Ethan were on their way to a follow up appointment and had just a few minutes to stop for a hug and kiss!

Aunt Jeannene asked me if I minded having her bring us over lunch again today! Her love language is gifts and service, so she puts her talents of cooking and baking to minister to so many people. We are always glad to be the recipients of her love offering! (She is spoiling my husband with all her desserts!)

Mom stayed awake for a short visit.

Broccoli/Cauliflower Cheese Soup,
Kale Salad and Pumpkin Dessert

It's going to be a quiet evening, I think. I am not aware of any more visitors today and we don't have anything special planned for this evening. I need to get my Stuffed Peppers put together and in the oven.  Then, unless something changes my plans, I think I will sit and read for pure pleasure tonight until I fall into bed! Mom woke me four times last night so I am dragging a bit today!

NOTE: *****If anyone local is planning to stop out tomorrow, please call me first. I need a couple of things from town or even just offer to sit with mom, for 20-30 minutes, so I can run into town for a quick trip! That would be most helpful! (She is almost out of the cough syrup that helps thin the buckets of mucus in her lungs.) Thanks!

Communion

1-20-2020

Mom woke me up at 4:30 this morning and wanted me to help her out to her chair. So I got her all settled into her chair and one of us was able to fall back to sleep! Guess which one? I think she is trying to get even for the nights she missed sleeping while walking the floors with me almost 65 years ago. Gotta love that little lady!

She ate a pretty decent lunch this noon time. It's funny how some days she eats hardly anything and then others she has a fairly hearty appetite! She is really so restless. Thankfully she sleeps a lot because when she is awake, she is up and down and up and down again! She yells "I want to get up!" so I rush over to stand her up but she doesn't have any idea where she wants to go!

Mom's friend, Mary Lynn stopped over today to pray for her and bring her communion. Mary Lynn reluctantly let me take her picture.  (Thank you for granting me permission to post it here.) It was a pleasant little visit. Mom continues to be blessed by so many!

The Hospice nurse is stopping over in a little while to check on mom. She is starting to have a new issue so they are kind enough to send someone to see what we need to do next. I am so much at a loss sometimes. I don't know sometimes if it's just a normal part of the dying process or if it's something that we need to do something about. I feel like I am her sole advocate but I feel so lost sometimes in knowing how to properly support her. Hospice has been just wonderful to answer my questions, check in on Mom or to order a special cushion to sit on, or meds to calm her anxious thoughts, or bring more Depends. They have been so loving and helpful.

Mama seems to be bringing up more and more junk from her lungs. Before Hospice, I would have taken her to the Cleveland Clinic ER and they would admit her to help drain the fluids from her body. Now, we just try to make her as comfortable as possible. It was much easier on my heart and mind to keep helping to "fix" her.  But to shift to NOT trying to fix her anymore is a completely different way of thinking. And the battle between my mind and my heart is a strong struggle. My heart wants to keep her with me but my mind (and soul) know that letting her go is the VERY best thing. I know that, but it doesn't make it easy.  Oh gosh, how do people get through life without a strong faith?

Caregiving (I am learning well) is a lonely place to be. No one really understands that unless one has walked that path themselves. I thought that being a new mama was hard (and it is!) but in that job of sleepless nights, wiping poopy butts, and living in a messy house, I was raising a baby to be ALIVE AND WELL! To grow up strong, healthy and active. As a caregiver, the sleepless nights and messy house are because the one, whose butt you wipe and cutting meat into tiny pieces for, is DYING. It's so hard and lonely.

Sleeping sitting up!

And yet, the occasional times that someone sits for Mom doesn't make me completely happy either. I mean, for MY well-being, it is important to get out to run errands, buy groceries, pay bills, work my Norwex business by demonstrating at parties and to go on a rare date-night. Just because Mom is dying doesn't mean I am. I still have a full, extremely busy life to live. It is so nice to leave her in capable hands, but just like leaving my new baby with a sitter, I am always happiest when I am taking care of her myself. I don't want to miss any second of her remaining life - yet I long to escape. Crazy, I know. I don't understand myself either!

God is really using this experience in my life. I am growing in my understanding of the dying process. I am growing in what it really means to "die to self and take up my own cross daily". I am learning sacrificial love. I am learning to trust Him for the next step and then the next step. I cling to His mercy and grace that are new every morning. I frequently crawl up onto His lap and snuggle in to have a good cry, in the middle of the night, when no one is looking. He understands me best and He loves me still.

Thanks for reading my thoughts. Thanks for loving for and praying for Mom. Come visit her. You are always welcome!

Blessings From Above

1-18-2020

Mom has been sleeping almost all day again today. She is awake such a short time. I had to wake her this afternoon for Nina to cut her hair, likely for her last haircut. Nina made special effort to make a "house call" and blessed mom extra by not accepting payment for her service! When Nina left, Mom said, "Why are people so nice to me?" to which I replied, "JESUS is the One so nice to you - He loves you so much and He is using His people to bless you. He loves you so much, Mama." She is just overwhelmed by the cards, notes and visits from so many people. I keep reminding her that He is the Giver of all good gifts.

Mom was trying to hold her oxygen tube in her nose so Nina could cut around her ears.

She was too tired to have Nina wash her hair. The hair cut wore her out completely. She needed to go back to sleep.

Sara is going to come sit with her Grandma around 4:00 on this evening, so that Mike and I can escape for a few hours to spend quality time with some good friends. Caregiving is emotionally and physically tiring (though I will NEVER regret my decision to keep Mama) so we thought a date night might prove good for the weary soul! 

Lyn is coming in the morning, weather permitting and if Mom is doing OK, to stay with her so that Mike and I can attend church together for the first time in almost a month! We will pick up our groceries and Mom's mediations on our way home and I will be good to sit tight for another extended length of time.

Her breathing is a bit more labored today - though I have seen it far worse. She is just so tired...

Nothing New To Report

1-17-2020

There is nothing too exciting or anything new to report tonight.

A good friend of mine allowed me to hire her to come sit with mom for six hours so that Lyn and I could start to sort through the things in Mom's apartment and get it ready for vacancy. Much to our surprise, the furnace had stopped working but we stayed anyhow, with our coats on, and kept sorting and packing.  Lyn and I both had moments of giggles and of tears as we worked through this sad process.

Mom is doing OK today. She still sleeps almost all the day long (and all night too). She dropped another pound of weight this morning for a new all-time low.

She rattles a little when she breaths. That makes me sad. I am armed with morphine if it starts to be a problem for her. So far she seems to be doing fairly well, but I want to be prepared so that she doesn't have to struggle and be scared of that part of this dying process.

No fun pictures. No visitors except for the sweet friend who not only stayed and cared for Mom, but cleaned my house (including my gross microwave) while Mom slept. God has given me such good friends. I can home to a freshly vacuumed and dusted house with clean, shiny floors!

I don't know of any company coming tomorrow but I know that Nina is coming to cut mom's hair on Sunday. What a treat that will be for her. I haven't told her yet - it's going to be a surprise!!!

Thanks for reading and for praying... We feel every single prayer!

Laurie (and Lyn)

Random Acts of Kindness

1-16-2020

Mom slept in a bit this morning. It wasn't until about 7:45 AM that she walked out of the bedroom all by herself, announcing "Good Morning!" It surprised us both. Mom woke up pretty chipper but after my doing her vitals, and her eating breakfast and taking her meds, she was wore out again and so she fell asleep in her chair.

Morning Kisses on my Sparkling Clean Mama

She woke up around 10:00AM, so I offered to get her bathed and put on fresh pajamas (her favorite pair) for the day. After brushing her teeth, she was wore out again and fell back to sleep in her chair until 11:45 when Aunt Jeannene stopped over with some delicious hot lunch and dessert for us to enjoy. What a blessing to have hot food delivered to the house! (I could get used to this part of this journey. LOL) Aunt Jeannene is such a good cook and she spoils Mike with rich, tasty desserts that melt in our mouths! (Yes, he shares a sliver with mom and me.)

Aunt Jeannene filled mom in on all the happenings at the apartment, while Mom enjoyed the delicious cheesy, baked pasta dish! Mom even wanted a little piece of the dessert. She has sure enjoyed having her diet be a little more lenient that it normally was. It's time for her to enjoy and savor some of her favorite foods (within reasonable amounts, of course). Comfort measures and her happiness are what we are focusing most on these days. And it makes me happy to see her enjoying the few pleasures she has left.

Mom doesn't have the desire to read, watch TV, work on puzzles, or even listen to books. I offered to read to her a little each day, but she turned me down. I think it's hard for her to focus and remember and it's just easier for her to accept if she doesn't have to try. She does get very restless and says she is going to go crazy if she doesn't get up and move - mind you this woman hasn't set more than a minute in her entire life: you guys know how hard of a worker she has been for most of her life. But her body is so weak that she can't make more than a lap or two back and forth in the living room and her legs wear out and she plops back down in her chair. She does her daytime sleeping in her chair in the middle of the living room. I offered to move her chair into her bedroom so it would be quieter and less interrupted but she tells me that she likes being near me, in the middle of the room, where she can see what I am doing - when she isn't sleeping.

Another kindness - Mom's hairdresser, Nina Collins, has offered to come to the house to cut Mom's hair. What a sweet lady. Mom is just too weak to go to her salon. So that was another unexpected blessing that will take place his weekend.

Sometimes when she asks to get up to walk, she says things like "What I am getting up for?" or "Am I supposed to be walking? Can't I sit down?" or "Where am I supposed to go?" or "Do I need to go to the bathroom?". When she first came she would walk for 30 or more minutes. Now she goes back and forth once or twice and quits. Her legs are getting really weak from lack of use. But she still walks to the potty and to her bedroom to sleep at night and back to her chair come mornings, so we are thankful for that. I know that won't always be the case.

She has lost more weight again. She is at her new record low. Her arms are so thin and I can see her ribs on her back when I bathe her. Quite a shock from the chubby little mama that I have loved for so long. Only her legs remain plump from the extra fluid she is carrying around. I wonder how little she would weigh if we could get that remaining water-weight off her. I am guessing she is carrying at least a gallon of extra water in her body, which I think is 8 pounds, if my thinking is correct. She is starting to cough up more phlegm from her lungs again. She had stopped that for a while but it's more frequent now again. With the decrease in urine output, there is nowhere for that fluid to go... so it just slowly fills her up inside.

So we continue to wait again today for the Lord to call her to Himself. She asks daily why she hasn't died yet. I just keep telling her that we have to wait until it's her turn.

Good Day for a Change!

1-15-2020

Mom was kind of slow and confused all day yesterday, sleeping a lot and not eating much but today... oh my goodness! She was hungry and pretty alert all day today, whenever she was awake. She still slept a lot but woke up making sense each time.

She even got to giggling telling me a story about an antique family heirloom dish that they thought was supposed to be valuable and how Dad and Mom went to have it appraised. They found out it was only worth $28! No one is sure how the story of it's great worth got started but she chuckled telling me the story of how it's not-so-great value was discovered. It was really good to hear her tell me other things today too, that sounded just like my Mom. She even jokingly called me "orie orie" which was the name I called myself when I was little.

So finally... I have some fun good-newsy things to tell!

Sara and the kids stopped over for a quick visit and Lyn popped in for a short visit too. Both of them had to wake Mom to tell her hello but she responded well to them.

I have a dear friend coming to stay with Mom on Friday, for a few hours, so that Lyn and I can go to Mom's apartment to start to sort and box up her things. She doesn't need anything up there anymore. The few clothes she has with her here are plenty. She prefers wearing just her pajamas these days anyhow.

Like everything dealing with Mom's impending death, I waver between relief of getting everything squared away, all while grieving tearfully with each step towards her absence from me. Emotions are strange things....  Some days I am strong and others, well, not so much.

All in all, it was a good day. One of the better ones for sure and I hope for a repeat tomorrow.

I will write more again soon.

Laurie

Mom's Struggling Mentally

1-13-2020

My sister, Lyn, was an angel this morning. She came over to my house to help lift my load a little so that I could work in my office and give me a break to run into town to do a Post Office run and pick up a few groceries until I can get a better idea of what I need.

She bathed Mom, put her in clean pajamas, changed her bedding, took her to the bathroom several times and made her bed! I am so very thankful for her help this morning. Just a few hours of interrupted time today made a huge difference in MY mental health! I am really struggling trying to keep my business afloat in between devoting most of my time and energy to our sweet Mama/Grandma.

Today was another confused and sleepy day for Mom. She asked me over and over what she was supposed to be doing. It's hard to take someone who has worked so hard all her life and now her body and brain won't let her do anything. She can't watch TV or read because she can't follow the story line. Her confusion won't let her put together puzzles anymore. She has no interest in painting, beading, sewing, or even coloring in her fun adult coloring books. She can't help me in the kitchen. In fact, unlike the mom I knew, it doesn't even occur to her to wash a dish, fold a little laundry, help fix dinner. She can't think those things through that she has done for 80 of her 85 years of life. Oh, and lost more weight. She is now only 112.7 pounds. That is down 10 pounds since December 25th.

I think Mom enjoyed my homemade chicken noodle soup but I know for sure that she enjoyed a tiny serving of vanilla ice cream. As a diabetic, she carefully watched her sweets, but now on Hospice, they said that she can reasonably eat anything she wants in moderation, of course. She sat pretty quiet through her dinner but when I mentioned ice cream, there was a spark of joy in her tired, sad eyes.

The Hospice doctor is coming with Mom's nurse tomorrow afternoon. I haven't met her yet but I am sure that she will be wonderful for Mom just like all the Hospice people have been so far. I am arming myself with several questions to ask her tomorrow.

I will hopefully have more news to share then.

Oh, and by the way, I did get short video of Mom telling me that she loves me! It's a sad video of Mama in her far away place but I have her words to watch over and over again.

Until tomorrow.

Extremely Tired Today

1-12-2020

Mom has stayed pretty good mentally today. Not her normal self but she made pretty good sense all day today in the few words of conversation we had.  She slept fairly well last night, only waking once to use the bathroom and then she went right back to bed and slept well past her normal wake time.

I took her vitals and gave her the morning dose of pills around 8:00AM. She promptly fell asleep before finishing her coffee, even though we had the chatter of Abbey and her family here for breakfast. They had spent the night with us and were packing up to head back to PA for Cory to do some job interviews for Subway.  She slept through most of that but woke up to tell them goodbye and to eat a little Cream of Wheat around 10:00AM. Then right back to sleep she went!

Cory, Abbey, Avery, Joey and Henry saying goodbye.

I woke her around 1:30 for lunch. Mom ate a decent sized late lunch and took her afternoon meds before she went right back to sleep. She hasn't had to pee hardly at all today and I notice that she had gained some weight this morning when I weighed her.  Her feet and legs are swelling and her ankle bones have all but disappeared.

She had a short visit from my Aunt Jeannene and her little dog, Hope, around 3PM. (I forgot to take a picture) Mom was happy to see them but I had to wake her to visit with her. Aunt Jeannene gave her the details of the church service this morning and all the latest news from the Senior Citizen luncheon that Mom loved to attend. Mom didn't have too much to say back. She wanted to give Hope some kisses. But as soon as Jeannene left, mom fell right back to sleep.

Such a sleepy girl with swollen legs!

I don't think she is feeling very good today. She didn't complain or hint that she isn't, but something is just different, so it seems. Though her mind was pretty good, she just couldn't stay awake and asked me to help put her to bed at 5:00 this evening. She just said she couldn't stay awake. I think she went right to sleep because she hasn't called out for me to fix her covers or find her water bottle. When I tucked her in and told her that I loved her, deep inside I wondered if tonight is last time I get to tell her that. Seems like every time I do something for her (wash her hair, launder her pajamas, etc) I wonder if this is the last time. Some day it will be. I guess I just want to prepare myself for when that reality hits. Her poor heart beats so hard. It's tired. She is tired. She says she just wants "to die but I don't know how!"

I don't think that Mama has long for this world. I hope tomorrow to try to video her saying that she loves me. I have a feeling I will want to listen to that over and over again as the days/months/years go by.

"Good night, Mama. I love you. Sleep well. It's OK if Jesus calls you home tonight." - my nightly ritual of tucking her into bed. I say it like I mean it, because I do, but man, I am going to miss her.

Weekend Guests

1-11-2020

Brian and Stacy (and kids) came down from Michigan to spend some time with their Grandma/ Great Grandma today. It was so nice to see them all again. Their kids are getting so big! I think Mom was pretty alert today and her appetite was better today. Stacey came armed with boxes of Grandma's favorite crackers, three jars of unsweetened applesauce, fresh cut pineapple and four little containers of blueberry applesauce for a special treat. Dan and Lyn stopped in for a bit to bring some needed things from Mom's apartment and brought Mom's dog, Holly, for a visit.

Michael and Emily (and kids) arrived around noon. So very much fun to have more people come! Emily was kind enough to pick up some medications for Grandma at the pharmacy. She also is lending me a baby monitor so that I can finally sleep in my own bed, instead of on the couch, so that I can hear when Mom gets up in the night.

We sat around the kitchen counter and nibbled on tasty snacks while giggling and chatting as only four generations of women/girls do. I can't believe how much mom ate just snacking away!
.... Four Generations.... wow, that descriptive phrase just put a lump in my throat.

Grandma Ginnie surrounded by just a few of her favorite girls!

Grandma sneaks in a little kiss for Isaiah

Sammy slid in for the next picture

Emily and Stacey - two of Grandma's six granddaughters

Foot massage by Abbey

Cory and Abbey (and kids) arrived last. Though they got there last, Abbey still found plenty of time to give Grandma a loving foot massage. She really liked that...and so did Abbey!

Shortly after lunch, everyone left and I tucked Mom into her bed for a little nap. She gets tired pretty easy but all in all, today was one of her better days that she has had in a while. She has always loved having her kids, grandkids and great grandkids around and today was no different.

The afternoon was quiet but when evening rolled around, Abbey and Cory came back to spend the night before heading back to PA.

Finally, Mom is tucked into bed until tomorrow when we start our day all over again! Say a prayer that she sleeps all night!

Quiet Day of Rest

1-10-2020

Today was a quiet day of rest for both Mom and me. She was restless last night and had a hard time even going to bed, let alone staying asleep for too long. She woke me several times in the night so this morning, I felt a bit like the mama of new baby who has its days and nights mixed up.  She woke early this morning, before I was ready to get up - but, well... when she is up, so am I. She was confused this morning likely from lack of good sleep.

I was helping her bathe and get into some clean pajamas. As I stooped down to help her get her swollen feet and legs into her pajama pants, she leaned over and kissed the top of my head. She didn't say anything but the words she spoke in that little kiss were many! I know she loves me. What a good feeling!

Sara brought her troops by while Mom was eating lunch. Sara mentioned that Mom was the most distant she had ever seen her. When I told her that Brian and Stacey were coming tomorrow, she had to stop and think who they were. She kept repeating, softly under her breath, "Brian and Stacey. Brian and Stacey." trying to recall why those names sounded familiar. Finally it clicked when I told her it was Lyn's son and his wife and then she said, "Good."

I ground up Mom's pills today for the first time and put them in a couple spoonfuls of yogurt. Stacey is bringing some applesauce for me to use for her pills. Swallowing them is getting harder each day. She really liked taking them that way and gobbled them right down. Another problem solved!!!

Her legs are a lot more swollen today than yesterday. Her breathing, thank heavens, is not labored yet. But she is hardly peeing. Even with her dose of diuretics, twice a day, she has only gone a little bit twice, between 8AM and 4:30PM. She is coughing up more junk from her lungs.

She has just been really confused today. A great deal of the day she just stands staring. Lost in a place where even thoughts or dreams have evaporated. She will still usually respond yes or no when I ask her a question, though the most frequent response is "I don't know" or "Let me think about that".  She has been standing in one spot for well over an hour now. She refuses to sit or lay down right now.

That's about all there is to report today. Tomorrow we have family coming to see her. Everyone wants to visit her again. She has been such a huge part of our family. We all love her so much. She and Dad made things so fun for Lyn and me, for our kids and for our grandkids. Such good memories.

Each night when I tuck her in, I tell her how much I love her and that it's OK to die. And I wonder, will tonight be the night?

Laurie

Hospice Nurse Update

1-9-2020

This morning started off really good! Mom woke up and took herself to the bathroom before I could get to her! (Usually she calls me for help!) She was pretty alert this morning, almost like her usual self, and we enjoyed our coffee time together. She actually would initiate conversation and we visited back and forth for quite a while. I really enjoyed that time with her this morning. We didn't talk about anything serious, but it was fun, just mother and daughter chatting away about nothing in particular.

Mom's friend, Eric, text me and asked if he could call mom. I told him she was having a pretty good morning so he did and they chatted a bit. She really enjoyed him taking the time. The cards, calls, emails just keep coming! Hm, I am starting think that just maybe a few more people than me, love my Mama too! Speaking of emails, Dana sent her a sweet note this morning for me print off for her. I had to help her read it. She struggled comprehending and staying on line to the next word, so I stood over her shoulder so she could read it along with me.

She remembered Dana's stories and even added a few more of her own. She had very vivid memories of cooking sweet corn over an open fire for Dana and Terry. 

Amy "FaceTimed" with Grandma before she had to leave for work. I took advantage of her visit to run down and shower quickly while Amy kept Mom occupied. That was the fastest shower I have ever taken in my life! LOL But it worked. So Amy helped out this morning from Oahu! And boy did I appreciate it!

By this time, she was ready for a little lunch. I warmed up some Rice/Hamburger (renal diet worthy) Casserole and fixed her a nice sized chopped salad (Thanks Abbey and Cory). It's her most asked for request. She loves Subway chopped salads so Abbey and Cory made sure we have the means to make them for her. I think that maybe she doesn't have to work so hard to chew but gets all her renal-diet friendly fresh veggies in a bowl. (It is a pretty snazzy kitchen tool!) Mom's mind here is now sliding slowly away... she gets that far away look in her eyes and stops talking for the most part.

About 1:30 this afternoon Nurse Amber stopped in to check on Mom. She said that she can hear that Mom's lungs are starting to fill higher with fluid. I know that the swelling of the legs means increasing fluid in her lungs and around her heart. She mentioned that mom's heart is beating so hard that it was moving her stethoscope up and down with the beats. She is sending out a low dose of morphine and another drug that will help with the panic Mom will start to feel when her breathing gets more labored. Mom is so anxious and ready to die but she is terrified of suffocating. She told me to keep them up on high shelf but have them ready for when I think she needs them. She said likely that will happen in the middle of night when she is laying down and she didn't want me to have to wait for someone to come out to medicate her to ease her fear.

The reality that Mom's "hourglass" is quickly running out of sand hit me again. It's hard to explain how feelings of fear/relief, panic/peace, heartache/joy run hand in hand. I do have to say that the Lord met me in such a real way this morning during my quiet time listening for His voice. Through the words of two different devotional readings and His Word (in the book of Job of all places!) He shared these thoughts:

• We are called to be Christ-like image bearers, to reflect God to others. He is Immanuel: God With Us (not only beside us, but above us, below us, in front and behind us, but most importantly INSIDE us because He chooses to be so close that He dwells in us too!
• That TRUE love is sacrificial. God sacrificed His Son, Jesus sacrificed His life to save us from our sins and I need to sacrifice my life right now for my sweet mom.
• True love isn't really love at all if it isn't sacrificial. It's easy to love when things are easy but as soon as marriage, health, finances get tough, we tend to bail unless we love, truly love like Jehovah, Yahweh, Elohim, Adonai.
• And in the book of Job, Chapter 23:10-14
• "...He knows the way I take; when He has tried me, I shall come forth as gold. My foot has held fast to His path; I have kept His way and not turned aside. I have not departed from the command of His lips; I have treasured the words of His mouth more than my necessary food. But He is unique and who can turn Him? and what His soul desires, that He does. For He performs what is appointed for me, and many such decrees are with Him."

So my family and friends, how can I hang on to the fear, panic and heartache side of my emotions right now? I can't. Not when the Father is speaking such clear words of affirmation and love to me. So I choose to grip tight to His hand and soak forever in relief, peace and joy side of things... "for He performs what is appointed for me..." And because He is good, I know that this too shall be used for His glory and my becoming more like His Son.

Treasuring the words of His mouth,

Laurie

Hospice Chaplin & Michigan Visitors

January 8, 2020

This morning, around 11:00AM, the Hospice Chaplin stopped in to see Mom. He talked quietly to Mom for awhile and then he read her Psalm 121. I am not sure she comprehended those beautiful words but I did. He prayed for Mom and ended with the Lord's Prayer. Mom perked up and recited it with him and then sort of drifted far away again.

Lyn made some tasty lunch for Mom's afternoon guests. Aunt Mary, Sally and Paul stopped to say their goodbyes. Aunt Mary had some things that she really wanted to tell Mom and it was beautiful to see her softly speaking her words of love and goodbyes. They have always been so close - almost like twins! Mom has told me so many times "I want to die but I don't know how to die!" She told Aunt Mary and Sally the same thing. When she woke up this morning she asked why she was still here.

Aunt Mary and Mama

One last picture together. It's a good one, I think.

Sally saying her goodbyes, too. Mom is so loved!

Mom needed a nap once they left but she didn't sleep very long. She is still in a state of confusion and it seems worse when she is tired. She doesn't remember anymore how to open her water bottle. She doesn't remember what she is in the midst of and asks me what she is doing or what she is supposed to do next.  She doesn't remember Aunt Mary, Sally and Paul coming anymore. She worries when I am not in sight. She says I need to do her thinking for her.

I noticed her legs are swelling up again. She had been doing so good since she got out of the hospital on Dec. 23rd, but now I see them starting to retain water. She seems to have more mucus in her lungs too, today, though not as bad as I have seen in the past.  I put in a call to her nurse, Amber, to voice my concerns. She is checking with the doctor to see if we could increase mom's diuretics a little more. That concerns me because those pills are so hard on her kidneys but if we don't keep the fluid down she can't breathe easily. What is good for the heart is bad for kidneys. What is good for the kidneys is hard on the heart. It's a fine and constant balancing act. Being on Hospice, they don't take all the blood tests like they used to do. I liked seeing how her test results were all the time but now it is just a waiting game.

So we wait...

Laurie

UPDATE: Mom just woke from a longer nap and said how much she enjoyed Aunt Mary and the way she, Mary, reminded her of fun things from long ago. She said she is really tired but that she had such a good time. The brain is an interesting thing.... one minute she is with me and the next she is not. She remembered a lot of our day after resting....

More Visitors and Long Talk 1-7-20

Today was a busy, fun-filled day.  My cousins, Dana, Chris and Robin, who consider my mom their second mother, came down from Michigan to bid their Aunt Ginnie goodbye. They came armed with delicious chicken soup and little sandwiches. All I had to do was turn on the coffee pot. How I love these ladies who are so special to me and to my mom. And Dave, well, he is the brother I never had! I am so blessed to have family who loves mom so much. Lyn was here too, to spend time with these sweet family members! I think we overwhelmed the Hospice nurse and social worker with the silly, crazy, laugh-filled time! Mom was plumb wore out when they left. She even let me tuck her into bed for about 30 minutes to catch a few winks. She sat at the table with us to eat her lunch, and though she didn't say much, I think she enjoyed hearing the fun conversation. Normally, she would have been right in the midst but this time, she sort of watched from afar - in her own distant place. Gosh it was good to have their love and support today though.

Before they could even leave, Uncle Dean (92) and "Auntie" Yvonne stopped in for a short visit. Mom was pretty tired by this time but she enjoyed seeing them too. So many people love her. I am so appreciative of them stopping by. My heart needed this company today.

Mom's regular Hospice nurse stopped by this time and said she didn't think Mom was ready for two-a-day visits yet, for which I am thankful. But her memory continues to struggle. I continue to feel like I am dealing with my sweet Mother In Law, who struggled with dementia for years. We have similar conversations.

Mom went to bed, sporting her new "pull up" tonight. She didn't question it or cause any kind of rift for wearing it. She just accepted that this was a good thing for her. Gosh, I can't tell you how thankful I am for that. I was so afraid it would be a struggle but the Good Lord made it an easy transition. This will make my life so much easier. As long as she can sit on the potty, we will still try that, but I no longer need to worry about accidents or having to change her bedding in the night. Small things make such joy for me right now!

The sweet Hospice volunteer that delivered them to me was so kind and sympathetic. I was able to share a Cross Penny with her and thank her for being Jesus to me, mom and so many countless Hospice patients and families. Mike told me he was watching out the window, and smiled, knowing exactly what I was offering to her.  God just continues to bless me in my attempt to share the love of Christ with people.  (My entire family got these for Christmas to bless 500 people with!) I am doing my best to share them as often as I can.  https://www.airstrikeinc.com

Mom went to bed at her usual 6PM time but she woke up around 7:30 and we sat on the end of her bed and had the closest thing to a "heart-to-heart" conversation as we will likely get. She said, "Laurie, I want to die but I just don't know how!" I assured that she didn't have to figure that part out, that God would do that for her. We just simply need to wait for His call. We talked about Dad being there to greet her with Jesus. We talked about what the Bible says about what Heaven will be like and hope that we have. Precious memories for sure.

I am so very blessed by each and every day and the special blessings that the Lord brings to me through my husband's support, my cousins, friends, etc. Even my Norwex team sent me a beautiful bouquet of flowers in support of the passing of Mike's mom and the struggle we are going through with Mama right now. I feel so loved and supported. God is so near and continues to speak to me through His Word and through the people who love me so much.

Thanks all of you for continuing to pray. As always, pray that Mama figures out "how to die" in her words. We pray for it to be quick and without struggle. I just want God to take her in the night while she sleeps. But Your will be done, Lord and not mine.

Good night loved ones! I will post again tomorrow.

Laurie

Twice A Day Nurse Visits     1-6-2020

Sara popped in to sit with her Grandma for a couple of hours so that my sister and I could make a trip to Ashland together. We had some things we needed to discuss and a few errands to do in that town, so she rode with me. There are just so many things to figure out!  We are talking about how to go about closing down Mom's cute little apartment, selling/giving away her belongings and getting things wrapped up there. We didn't want to discuss that in front of her. I don't know how much she still comprehends (it seems to fluctuate) so we had a good discussion.

Lydia handmade grandma some little felt birds and a nest.

Lyn, Sara, Jackson, Lydia and Simon

Ethan and Grandma
There are a few times when Mom can focus and center in - like she did here with Ethan. It's fun to see glimpses of her. She focused right in on his face and told him how she loves him and how handsome she thinks  he is! Then a few minutes later, she sort of checks out and withdraws again. We treasure these moments when we see that sparkle in her eyes. 

Another Hospice Nurse stopped by while I was out running errands. I didn't know anyone was coming today! After checking Mom, they have decided she has physically moved to another level of Hospice care and we will be getting nurse visits TWICE A DAY now! I need to contact them and ask if they would mind running out some Depends and water-proof pads. Seems that we need them now. The changes are just happening so fast!

Thanks for following along Mom's journey with my sister and me. There is a certain amount of comfort knowing all of you are out there praying for her and sending good thoughts for peace and happy moments.

Until tomorrow...